Funny money

There once was a man who had worked hard all his life and saved all of his money. He loved his money more than anything else in the world and would happy while away the hours counting his pennies.

One day he fatally hurt himself when he dropped a bag of coins and they hit him on the head as he bent down to pick them up. As he lay on the floor dying he turned to his wife and asked that he be buried with all his money so that he could count his pennies in the next life. As his was his last request the wife promised to put all his money in his coffin with him when he was buried.

During his funeral ceremony his wife sat next to her best friend and just as the undertakers were about to close his coffin, his wife ran forward with a box and placed it inside the coffin. As she back down, her friend said “I hope you didn’t keep that silly promise you made him”.

“Off course I kept it, a promise is a promise after all. I promised him I would put all his money in the coffin and that is just exactly what I have done”.

“You put all his pennies in the coffin?” asked the friend.

“Yes” said the wife, “I banked all his pennies and transferred all his cash into my account and wrote him a cheque”.

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A man went to the doctors to find out why he had ear ached. The doctor looked in his ear and said it looks a though there is something lodged in your ear so he carefully removed the object he could see. As he pulled it out he noticed it was a £50 note. He then had another look and pulled out another £50 note and the some £20 notes and kept on pulling money out of the man’s ear until there was not a penny left.

The doctor laid all the money out on his table, counted and said to the man “I don’t know how you managed it but there was £1,999.99 in your ear”.

“Ah” said the man “that explains why I’ve not been feeling too grand”.

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A stockbroker was phoning some of his clients to see if they would be interested in buying some penny shares. Eventually he found a client who was willing to buy 100,000 share at 1p each.

The next day the shares had risen to 2p each, so the client phoned the broker and asked him to buy another 100,000 shares.

The next day the shares had risen to 4p a share, so the client bought another 100,000.

The following day the client looked in the paper saw that the shares had risen to 8p a share and decided to cash in the shares and to make a tidy profit. “Sell all my shares,“ he instructed his broker.

“To who?” asked the broker you are the only person who has bought any.

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A woman goes to visit her doctor for a check up and the doctor turned to and her and said “I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have 12 months to live”.

The woman asked “Is there anything I can do”.

“Marry an accountant,” replied the doctor.

“Will that make me live longer?” asked the woman.

“No” said the doctor “but it will feel longer”.

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According to this mornings papers, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of slowing down, if anything it’s getting worse.

Following the news last week that the Origami Bank had folded, reports are now indicating that the Sumo Bank has gone belly up, the Bonsai Bank intends to cut back some of it’s branches and the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is expected to go for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose dived and 1,000 workers at the Karate Bank are facing the chop. It is also believed that something fishy is happening at the Sushi Bank and many staff fear they may be getting a raw deal.

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Two misers were in the bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, other line the customers, including the two misers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, purses, watches etc. Whilst this going on the first miser slip something into the second miser’s pocket.

“What’s this?” asked the second miser.

The first miser replied “It’s that £50 I owe you”.

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A wife who had decided to reduce her household spending decided to hand wash her favourite dress rather than having it dry cleaned. Proud of the money she had saved she turned to her husband and said “Look, we are now £10 richer because I decided to wash this dress by hand”.

“Good” replied the husband, “now make us another £10 by washing it again!”

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A little old lady walked into the 123Money Bank and demanded to speak to the manager so that she could open a savings account. The manager welcomed her into his office and asked her how much she would like to deposit. “£175,000,” replied the little old lady and placed the money on his desk.

The manager was curious to know how the lady came by all the money so he asked her and she replied “I make bets”.

“What kind of bets?” asked the manager.

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you £25,000 that you’re head is totally bald.

“Don’t be silly,” said the manager, running his hand through the hairy mop on top of his head, “you can’t win money with bets like that.

“Do you want to take my bet that you’re head is bald,” asked the old lady.

“Yes,” said the manager, “I’ll bet £25,000 that my head is not totally bald”.

“Okay,” said the old lady “but since there is a lot of money at stake I’ll bring my solicitor round with me tomorrow to act as a witness.

“That’s fine,” said the bank manager and “I’ll see you tomorrow”.

The next day the little old lady arrived with her solicitor at the bank. She introduced her solicitor to the bank manager and repeated the bet “£25,000 says the bank manager’s head is bald”. The bank manager confirmed he was still willing to take the bet and the old lady asked him to bend down so she could examine his head to find out.

The little lady then asked if he could go on his hands and knees as she was too small to examine his head with him merely bending down. “Very well,” said the bank manager who was keen to win the bet and prove he was not bald.

The old lady peered closely at his head and then asked if she could touch his hair to prove it was real. “Off course”, said the bank manager who was now feeling very confident.

As the old lady took her hand out of her pocket to touch his head she dropped a £50 note. The bank manager picked it up from the floor and offered it back to her. Just as he was doing so he noticed that the solicitor was banging his head against the wall. “What’s the matter with him?” he asked the old lady.

“Nothing” she said, except I bet him £100,000 this morning that I’d have my bank manager on his hands and knees this morning offering me money today”.

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A woman proudly turns to her friend and says “Thanks to me my husband is not a millionaire”

“What was he before you married him?” asked her friend

“A billionaire”.

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A wife turns to her husband and says “do you love me because my dad left me a fortune?”

“No”, her husband replied “I would love you no matter who left you the money”.

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My wife and I are so much in love that we hold hands when we go shopping, if I let go she spends money.

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A first year student came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
 

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
 

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

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A stingy old lawyer, coming to the end of his days, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."

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A married couple receive a bank statement saying they have a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the gas bill, so they agree to save money. That evening, while watching TV, the man gets up and tells his wife that he’s off down the pub. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go off to the pub and leave her at home when they need to economise. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised, the wife asks, ‘Why? Are we going out together?’ ‘No,’ he says. ‘I’m turning the heating off.’

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